Relationship with Anxious Attachment – Ideas from a therapist

By Madison Smart, LPC Affiliate

When you resonate with having an anxious attachment fashion, it’s possible that you recognize it—and that you simply love/hate the concept of relationship. So how does one go about relationship with anxious attachment? Anxious attachment typically rears its head early within the relationship course of, which may make it laborious to take pleasure in attending to know new individuals and exploring your compatibility. Anxious attachment is characterised by a preoccupation with relationships, a concern of abandonment or rejection, and reaching for connection. It might present up as overwhelming concern a few potential companion’s textual content response time, feeling emotionally uncontrolled while you haven’t heard from somebody you wish to, or fixed rumination over your conversations and what they imply. It might present up in a whole lot of methods—most notably as emotional misery over emotions of uncertainty. 

So how do you make it by the preliminary levels of relationship, which are sometimes riddled with uncertainty, and discover a wholesome match for you? You’re right here, and consciousness is a superb place to start out. However what else are you able to do? Beneath are seven suggestions that can assist you navigate relationship with an anxious attachment fashion. 

1. Discover when you find yourself attempting to handle the connection in your thoughts.
   And by that, I imply discover when you find yourself obsessing in regards to the relationship. This behavior is known as an “activating technique,” which is described by Levine and Heller in “Hooked up” as “any ideas or emotions that compel you to get shut, bodily or emotionally, to your companion.” It would appear like imagining a future collectively, desirous about every little thing you want about them, or replaying previous conversations in your thoughts. Slightly of that’s okay, however when it begins to really feel intrusive or fixed, take heed. Name it out for what it’s, and redirect your consideration to your fast atmosphere.
2. Pause earlier than you react.
   Whenever you’re relationship somebody new and one thing appears “off” with the connection, it may be simple to behave from a spot of urgency by way of re-establishing a reference to them and looking for reassurance that issues are okay. Earlier than appearing in your impulses, examine in with your self and do what you may to appease your self. Take into account that you simply don’t really need to attach with them instantly; what you actually need to do is calm your nervous system. Listed here are just a few concepts for what you are able to do to press pause and luxury your self:
   1. Transfer your physique. Do some leaping jacks, take a stroll, do a handstand—no matter is accessible to you for the time being. Give attention to the bodily sensations in your physique as you do it. 
   2. Name a buddy, somebody you belief, and bonus factors in the event that they’re humorous and might make you chuckle.
   3. Lengthen your exhalations. This respiration method is scientifically confirmed to assist calm your nervous system. I prefer to follow by inhaling for 4 counts, holding in for 4 counts, exhaling for 8 counts, and holding out for 4 counts. Repeat this at the least 3 occasions. 
   4. Distract your self. Watch your favourite present or scroll by your favourite feel-good social media account. Once more, bonus factors if it will probably make you chuckle. 
3. What conditions persistently heighten your emotions of hysteria?
   Are there any behaviors from potential companions that instantly spike your coronary heart price? What platforms (texting, voice calls, social media) set off probably the most anxiousness? Journaling in regards to the moments while you really feel most distressed and what occurred main as much as them would possibly assist establish key factors.
4. Do you have to think about relationship a number of individuals?
   Ethically, in fact. It’s widespread for somebody with an anxious attachment fashion to begin to really feel, effectively, hooked up early within the relationship course of earlier than there have been conversations about expectations or the possibility to actually gauge compatibility. One solution to ease the stress of constructing it work with a brand new love curiosity is to have just a few love pursuits. Don’t rush to make issues work with somebody you’re nonetheless attending to know. Take your time attending to know just a few completely different individuals, see what works, what doesn’t, and be trustworthy with your self and them about what you need and wish. 
5. Embrace battle.
   I do know, I do know. It’s scary. However dealing with battle in relationships can really be a superb factor. No two persons are ever going to get alongside completely on a regular basis. When you discover anxious tendencies in your self, take note of relationship conditions the place you are feeling pulled to neglect your personal needs and wishes in favor of preserving the connection peaceable. Problem your self to be extra genuine in your communication along with your relationship companions, even when which means there could also be disagreement. This offers you an opportunity to get to know each other and study extra about how the opposite particular person handles battle.
6. Apply self-compassion.
   When you’re struggling to keep up your composure or really feel safe when relationship, then give your self some grace. Remind your self that you simply’re doing all your greatest, you’re attempting to study new methods of referring to others, it’s a little bit scary, you’re struggling, and that’s okay. You’re not alone on this, and also you deserve the identical compassion from your self that you’d give to one in all your folks in an analogous state of affairs. Dr. Kristin Neff on the College of Texas has written masses on this—take a look at this YouTube video and browse her web site to study extra. 
7. Get assist.
   Navigating the world of relationship by yourself might be scary. We are able to all profit from the assist of associates, household, and a licensed skilled at occasions. Speaking it out may help with calming your nervous system, figuring out your triggers, and higher understanding your self and your relational wants. It’s additionally necessary that you simply don’t blame your attachment fashion for what is admittedly another person’s negligence or incompatibility. Having a trusted particular person to pay attention and be in it with you may assist to floor you in actuality and navigate the relationship world extra securely. 

Need to learn extra by Madison Smart, take a look at What’s My Attachment Fashion, study extra about anxiousness counseling, relationship counseling, or make an appointment for counseling. Interested by counseling? We’ve a number of proof primarily based counseling companies like Cognitive Behavioral Remedy, EMDR Remedy, and Interpersonal Neurobiology, and Somatic Experiencing.

Relationship with Anxious Attachment: 9 Methods to Change to Safe Attachment