Should you’re not within the temper sexually and also you companion is, how do you two deal with that second?
For a lot of {couples}, this second can really feel anxiousness upsetting and rejecting. Should you’ve ever felt rejected by your companion otherwise you really feel anxious sharing along with your companion that you simply’re not within the temper, you’re not alone.
In episode 30 of the Roadmap to Safe Love podcast, Kimberly Castelo and Kyle Benson discover a strong idea they name the “gentle no.” This nuanced strategy helps {couples} keep linked even when sexual need doesn’t align within the second. They provide sensible insights into the best way to discuss intercourse with out triggering disgrace, defensiveness, or disconnection.
This is a crucial subject as Dr. John Gottman says,
Discovering a approach to deal with the “no” is important to the success of the connection.
Why Saying “No” Feels So Private
Initiating intercourse will be deeply susceptible. It’s not nearly need—it’s concerning the longing to really feel chosen, wished, and emotionally shut. So when a companion declines, it’s widespread to interpret their “no” as a rejection of you. Clinicians observe that for a lot of excessive need companions, sexual rejection can really feel like the final word rejection of their value and desirability—generally worse than main profession setbacks. For low desire-partners saying no can include guilt and disgrace.
As Kyle explains within the episode, this usually results in a disgrace response:
“Am I unattractive? Unlovable? Not sufficient?”
This emotional spiral can shut down curiosity and block connection. Over time, this dynamic can scale back nonsexual bodily affection, improve emotional distance, and gas battle—all of which undermine sexual intimacy.
In safe, linked relationships, a “no” to intercourse is met with understanding and care if one companion isn’t within the temper. However in disconnected relationships, a refusal can create much more distance and escalate battle.
When {couples} don’t know the best way to discuss intercourse securely together with the best way to say not now, these moments create emotional distance.
Redefining Rejection: The Energy of the Mushy No
Kim and Kyle introduce the idea of the gentle no as a approach to shield each companions’ hearts whereas preserving emotional connection.
A gentle no is just not a rejection of the particular person—it’s a boundary round a particular act. And it consists of an invite to attach differently.
As an alternative of claiming, “No, I don’t wish to have intercourse,” a gentle no may sound like:
- “I’m not feeling up for intercourse proper now, however I’d like to cuddle with you.”
- “I don’t have the vitality for intimacy, however can we maintain palms and watch one thing collectively, I really like being near you?”
This small shift communicates: “I nonetheless care about you. I nonetheless wish to join. Simply not in the best way you proposed proper now.”
The consequence? The initiating companion nonetheless feels wished, and the companion setting a boundary nonetheless feels revered.
Appreciation First, Then Curiosity
One of the highly effective methods for enhancing how we discuss intercourse is to start out with appreciation moderately than criticism.
Kim encourages {couples} to note and title the small issues that make them really feel linked:
- “I really like if you greet me on the door.”
- “That kiss earlier made me really feel actually near you.”
- “I really feel protected once we maintain palms.”
These affirmations reinforce emotional connection which is on the coronary heart of a terrific intercourse life. And when you find yourself making optimistic feedback about the best way your companion connects with you, it turns into simpler to just accept the no since there have already been many moments of profitable closeness and connection.
From there, shift into curiosity.
As an alternative of assuming what your companion is pondering, strive asking:
- “What helps you are feeling most linked to me?”
- “Is there something you’re wanting extra of proper to really feel nearer?”
- “What’s your favourite approach to be touched?”
These questions open a dialogue moderately than a debate. They encourage each companions to discover what feels good and what will get in the best way of intimacy.
Not Realizing Is Regular
One of the disarming and relatable moments of the episode is when Kim says:
“It’s okay to not know what you need sexually.”
This assertion is a present for anybody who’s ever felt not sure about their needs, tired of intercourse, or confused about the best way to categorical what they want.
Many individuals weren’t taught the best way to discuss intercourse, not to mention discover what they get pleasure from. Whether or not on account of disgrace, cultural messaging, previous trauma, or simply lack of expertise, not figuring out is extra widespread than you suppose.
And it doesn’t imply there’s one thing unsuitable with you—or your relationship. It simply means there’s extra to find, collectively. Study extra about how to do that right here.
Negotiation Is a Talent of Safe Relationships
The ultimate key takeaway from the episode is that negotiation is crucial for safe connection. When need ranges differ (which they usually do), {couples} should learn to collaborate moderately than compete.
That’s the place the gentle no turns into a strong device. It invitations each companions to co-create a shared expertise that honors each boundaries and connection.
Some examples may embrace:
- Taking a stroll collectively as an alternative of getting intercourse, which can or might not result in sexual connection latter
- Spending time cuddling or massaging one another
- Speaking about fantasies or preferences to spark curiosity for the long run occasions of intimacy
These are all types of intimacy. That’s why Kyle usually encourages {couples} to create an erotic playground the place there are many methods to attach sexually apart from penetrative intercourse. And when practiced recurrently, they assist construct a basis the place each companions really feel seen, revered, and emotionally protected.
Ultimate Reflection
By working towards appreciation, embracing curiosity, and negotiating with gentle nos, {couples} can navigate moments of misaligned need with extra grace and fewer disgrace.
In the long run, intercourse isn’t nearly bodily acts—it’s about how we relate, how we really feel seen, and the way we keep linked even when issues don’t go as deliberate.
Observe The Roadmap to Safe Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Join The Safe Attachment Path course to study sensible instruments for constructing safe connections.
Till subsequent time, keep linked and hold listening with love.
Hearken to earlier episodes of the podcast beneath:
Transcript for Episode 30: Methods to Discuss About Intercourse When Your Companion Isn’t within the Temper
Welcome to The Street Map to Safe Love. In right this moment’s episode, Kim and Kyle focus on the best way to discuss boring intercourse in a means that invitations exploration—moderately than disgrace and withdrawal. Let’s dive in.
Kim:
Oh Kyle, what will we do when intercourse turns into boring? We’ve had so many consumers come into our workplace and say,
“We simply do the identical previous issues. It’s boring and transactional. I get them off, they get me off, we roll over and fall asleep.”
How do we’ve got that dialog with out making a rupture—with out making our companion really feel insecure about how they’re exhibiting up within the bed room?
Kyle:
The very first thing we don’t wish to do is use the “praise sandwich.” You recognize the one—begin with one thing optimistic, drop within the criticism, after which finish with one other praise. Like:
“I really like you. Our intercourse is sweet. Right here’s what I really like about it… however it’s boring.”
That technique doesn’t work. Even exterior the bed room, in case your companion is aware of a detrimental is coming, they tune out the optimistic. You’ve primed them to anticipate criticism, and that makes it tougher for them to truly hear what you’re attempting to say.
What we assist our purchasers perceive is the deeper attachment longing beneath the need for extra playfulness and exploration within the bed room.
Kim:
Precisely. With regards to speaking about adjustments in your intercourse life, skip the praise sandwich. As an alternative, deal with what it emotionally means to you.
Kyle:
Proper. And to be clear—we’re not saying you need to go to your companion and bluntly say,
“Intercourse is boring.”
That’s prone to create a rupture too. It’s a difficult dialog since you’re attempting to create optimistic change with out damaging connection. That’s the objective of this episode: the best way to have that dialog in a means that retains each companions emotionally engaged.
Kim:
Even for people who find themselves sex-positive, intercourse is deeply susceptible. It’s by no means like the films. You’re not simply getting bodily bare—you’re getting emotionally bare too.
Kyle:
And that’s what we’re inviting you into: How will you be emotionally susceptible in a means that invitations your companion to discover and join with you?
Kim:
Let’s give an instance of what not to do. A praise sandwich may sound like:
“You’re so nice. I really like that you simply say sure once I ask for intercourse… however you by no means go down on me, although I’ve requested. However I actually respect our time collectively.”
Your companion goes to latch onto the half the place you say they by no means go down on you. That’s the one half they’ll keep in mind, and it received’t encourage change.
Kyle:
So as an alternative, communicate with vulnerability. Focus much less on what they’re not doing and extra on what the expertise would imply to you.
Ask your self:
“What does it imply to me if I get to discover this a part of our connection?”
“What would it not really feel wish to go on an erotic journey collectively?”
For a lot of, it’s about feeling shut, being life companions who get to find new issues collectively.
Kim:
Precisely. It’s like saying,
“I really like being near you. I really like having intercourse with you. I need us to strive new issues as a result of the thought of exploring with you excites me. I wish to really feel that closeness in each a part of our relationship.”
That lands very in a different way than, “Intercourse is boring.”
Kyle:
And nonetheless, we hear from purchasers:
“But when I say that, they’ll suppose I’m saying they’re not adequate.”
That response is tied to tradition, household of origin, trauma—how we realized about intercourse. That insecurity is actual, and it’s going to come back up.
Kim:
So when your companion says,
“What do you imply? I assumed we had been already shut sufficient…”
Keep along with your emotional fact. Reassure them:
“Sure, it’s good. And I’d love for us to discover much more collectively.”
Body it as an journey, not a critique. You’re not saying the present intercourse is dangerous—you’re saying you need extra with them.
Kyle:
It’s like saying,
“There’s nobody else on the earth I wish to do that with—simply you.”
Kim:
So each companions have a job. The one bringing it up must get in contact with their emotional longing and articulate it. The listener must quiet the inner voices that say, “I’m not sufficient,” and as an alternative hear the coronary heart behind the message.
Kyle:
That’s the lure: in case your companion needs to enhance one thing, it doesn’t imply they suppose you’re dangerous. However that’s usually the way it’s interpreted. And when that occurs, connection will get misplaced, and folks begin to suppose, “Effectively, each time I convey this up, it backfires. So why trouble?”
Kim:
Precisely. A lot strain and disgrace surrounds intimacy. That noise may cause us to overlook the precise message—our companion simply needs to discover and join with us.
Kyle:
And once we work with purchasers who’re coping with disgrace or shutdown, their our bodies aren’t open to erotic exploration. They’re caught within the disgrace.
Kim:
So in case your companion brings this to you, can you actually make house for his or her coronary heart? Are you able to see that that is an invite to develop nearer—not a critique?
And let’s normalize one thing:
Typically intercourse is mundane.
It’s a Wednesday night time, the youngsters simply went to mattress, you’ve bought your socks on, and that’s what it’s.
Kyle:
And that’s okay! The issue comes when it’s at all times like that. Yr after 12 months, day after day. That’s once we begin to really feel caught. Eager to really feel extra alive, to reconnect, is a legitimate emotional longing.
Kim:
Not each sexual encounter needs to be off the charts. That strain is poisonous. Typically, it’s simply “good,” and that must be okay too.
Kyle:
If mundane intercourse feels protected, then each companions are extra emotionally obtainable when the chance for deep connection arises.
Analysis on extraordinary intercourse—by Peggy Kleinplatz, for instance—exhibits that what makes nice intercourse isn’t approach. It’s emotional presence.
Kim:
Precisely. What makes nice intercourse is safety.
When you’ll be able to say,
“I wish to be nearer to you sexually,”
and your companion is safe sufficient to listen to that as love, not criticism—that’s a basis for nice intercourse.
Kyle:
Emily Nagoski talks about this in her e-book Come Collectively—nice intercourse is low-stakes.
Unhealthy intercourse is high-stakes.
“If I don’t carry out, I’ll lose the connection.”
That’s not a recipe for connection. That’s fear-based, not curiosity-based.
Kim:
And that’s why we wish you to speak about boring intercourse—not simply to repair one thing, however to deepen emotional intimacy. When your companion hears,
“I need this with you,”
that builds safe connection.
Kyle:
And from that safe basis, you’ll be able to discover new concepts collectively. Attempt issues. Uncover what works and what doesn’t. And even when one thing flops, you continue to really feel linked.
So when you’re caught in boring, transactional intercourse—skip the praise sandwich. Don’t say:
“Intercourse is sweet, however I need extra, however I really like you.”
As an alternative:
- The speaker must get susceptible.
- The listener must tune in to their companion’s coronary heart, not their insecurities.
- And each of you’ll want to keep linked within the course of.
Kim:
That’s it. That’s the work.
Kyle:
Subsequent episode, we’ll discuss what to do in case your companion isn’t open to that exploration—the best way to deal with it when one thing will get in the best way. However for now, deal with connecting with the deeper attachment which means behind your need for various intercourse.
Kim:
And only a heads-up: even if you do all this proper, you should still get pushback. That’s regular. And we’ll enable you to navigate that subsequent time.
Observe The Roadmap to Safe Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Join The Safe Attachment Path course to study sensible instruments for constructing safe connections.
Till subsequent time, keep linked and hold listening with love.
Steadily Requested Questions (FAQs)
1. Why does it really feel so private when my companion says no to intercourse?
Saying no to intercourse can really feel like a rejection of you, not simply the act. That’s as a result of initiating intimacy is deeply susceptible—usually rooted in a need to really feel beloved, wished, and shut. When a companion declines, it could set off emotions of disgrace or inadequacy until each individuals perceive the distinction between bodily readiness and emotional connection.
2. What’s a “gentle no” in a relationship?
A gentle no is a approach to decline intercourse with out disconnecting emotionally. It units a transparent boundary whereas nonetheless providing a type of closeness—like cuddling, speaking, or spending time collectively. It helps protect connection and indicators, “I nonetheless need you, simply not this exercise proper now.”
3. How can I reply when my companion turns down intercourse with out feeling rejected?
Attempt to interpret the “no” as situational, not private. Remind your self that emotional and bodily readiness aren’t at all times aligned. In case your companion provides a gentle no (e.g., a hug or cuddle), lean into that connection as an alternative of withdrawing.
4. What ought to I say if I’m not within the temper for intercourse however nonetheless wish to be shut?
Use mild, affirming language like:
- “I’m not up for intercourse proper now, however I’d like to cuddle.”
- “I want some relaxation, however let’s maintain palms whereas we watch one thing.”
- These options keep emotional intimacy with out crossing your boundaries.
5. How can {couples} discuss intercourse with out disgrace or pressure?
Begin with appreciation. Acknowledge what you’re keen on about your companion and the connection you already share. Then, shift into curiosity by asking open-ended questions on their wants, preferences, and luxury ranges.
6. What if I don’t know what I need sexually?
That’s completely regular. Many individuals weren’t taught to discover or articulate their needs. Uncertainty is just not a flaw—it’s a possibility to study and develop collectively. Give your self (and your companion) permission to not have all of the solutions.
7. Can emotional connection exist with out intercourse?
Completely. Emotional connection will be nurtured by way of bodily affection, significant conversations, shared actions, and expressions of appreciation. Intercourse is only one of some ways to really feel shut—it’s not the one one.
8. How can mismatched sexual need be dealt with in a wholesome means?
Via negotiation, not strain. Respect one another’s boundaries, talk overtly, and search mutual types of connection. The gentle no is one device that enables {couples} to remain emotionally bonded even when need ranges don’t match.
9. Why is appreciation so essential in intimate conversations?
Appreciation builds emotional security and belief. When companions really feel seen and valued, they’re extra open to discussing susceptible matters like intercourse. Main with gratitude makes house for connection, even throughout powerful conversations.
10. The place can I study extra about these practices?
You possibly can comply with Kim and Kyle on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. You may as well enroll of their Safe Attachment Path course, linked within the present notes, to discover your attachment type and study instruments for constructing safe, linked relationships.
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