Amid current political shifts and a charged cultural local weather, many ladies in America are grappling with uncertainty about their place in society. This sense of unease has fueled curiosity in South Korea’s 4B motion—a daring stance advocating for no intercourse, no courting, no marriage, and no kids with males. As a collective response, the 4B motion is a robust problem to entrenched methods, demanding accountability from males and policymakers alike.
As a therapist, I might encourage you to think about if this motion can supply one thing much more profound: an invite to pause and mirror. Reasonably than adopting a prescribed algorithm, take into account this a possibility for private inquiry. What do you actually want? The place do your boundaries start and finish? Which decisions deliver a way of which means, pleasure, or liberation to your life? By shifting the main target inward, the “4 No’s” evolve from a manifesto right into a pathway for self-discovery and autonomy. This isn’t about rejecting males—it’s about reclaiming your self.
What does this appear like on a private stage?
Are you able to embrace one, two, and even three of those “No’s”? Sure, in fact you possibly can. Take a second of quiet reflection and ask your self: Would I wish to step away from sure dynamics or actions with males? If that’s the case, what drives that want—or resistance?
I typically ask my purchasers to discover the motivations behind their decisions. Now, I invite you to do the identical. In the event you really feel drawn to pause or abstain from explicit engagements with males, take into account the deeper “why.” An inside motivation—one rooted in self-discovery somewhat than exterior validation—is much extra prone to information you towards significant change. Image somebody saying: “I’m selecting the 4B method for now, to reconnect with myself, to consciously shift my focus away from males, and to prioritize a ardour I’ve lengthy sidelined in relationships.” This resolution is deliberate, grounded, and fully inside their management. It’s not about deprivation; it’s about intention. And it opens the door to progress, curiosity, and risk.
Alternatively, if the motivation is exterior—“If I withhold intercourse, my associate (or males) will behave higher,” or “I need my associate (or males) to lastly perceive how I really feel”—we could also be on shaky floor. Counting on others to reply or react in the way in which we want is unpredictable at greatest. We now have little management over what one other particular person will suppose, really feel, or study from our decisions. True empowerment typically begins by trying inward, defining our personal wants, and setting a course for private success that doesn’t hinge on anybody else’s understanding or validation. Let’s discover some concerns for every of the “No’s.”
No Intercourse
In my observe, I’ve heard extra tales of undesirable advances, inappropriate feedback, and assaults than I can rely. I additionally steadily hear real-life accounts of the “orgasm hole”—a stark disparity in sexual satisfaction, typically at ladies’s expense. This hole refers back to the distinction in orgasm frequency between women and men, and it’s not obscure why many ladies are reevaluating and even abstaining from intercourse with males. For some, they could have but to completely perceive their very own our bodies or how one can obtain pleasure on their very own phrases. Others carry cultural narratives about intercourse that place it as an act oriented round male pleasure. I can’t let you know what number of occasions I’ve heard purchasers ask, “Isn’t intercourse over when he’s completed?”
For some ladies, a time of exploration—whether or not by way of masturbation, watching erotic movies, partaking with ladies, or attending stay performances—can change into an area to study what they honestly want. For others, a interval of celibacy could also be a precious path to regain company over their sexuality. No matter type this self-exploration takes, it’s important to step again and ask, “What function does intercourse play in my life? How do I need my relationship with intercourse to really feel shifting ahead?”
This course of could result in boundaries round intercourse that really honor your wants—maybe deciding to attend till the seventh, tenth, and even thirtieth date, or holding off till after marriage. Or maybe it’s exploring sexual compatibility very early on. Perhaps it’s reestablishing intimacy together with your present associate in new, artistic, and related methods. No matter you select, let or not it’s a selection rooted in your values and desires, not a response to the wishes of others. That is what it means to assert your personal empowerment.
No Relationship and No Marriage (Relationship and marriage are explorations of a partnership on a continuum and for that purpose we are going to deal with them collectively. )
In my observe, single ladies steadily inform me they’re content material with their lives, and if a person is to affix, he should improve it in a significant means. A impartial presence merely received’t suffice, and anybody who detracts from their well-being is out of the query. More and more, ladies discover it difficult to satisfy extraordinary males, main many to decide on remaining single because the extra rewarding possibility.
By delaying or abstaining from critical relationships, ladies have a singular window to be totally attuned to their wishes, with no strain to think about the needs, wants, or emotions of others. A solo interval can enable a lady to delve into the core of who they’re and envision a life formed solely by their very own values, aspirations, and passions. It’s a interval of freedom and self-affirmation, a option to domesticate the self earlier than turning into concerned with others.
As ladies age, they’ve typically had the expertise of great partnerships or marriage and so they could select to pause or abstain from new relationships for quite a few causes. Their life expertise has given them a clearer sense of what they honestly need in a associate, but post-partnership, staying single typically turns into a robust interval of therapeutic and self-discovery. Free from relational calls for, they’re embracing new hobbies and pursuits—dance, tennis, ceramics, or self-defense lessons. With no associate, they discover themselves with extra time and house to discover deeply fulfilling pursuits.
Midlife and past (earlier if you’re fortunate!) monetary stability and social connections typically reinforce a lady’s independence. The concept of a male associate turns into a consideration provided that he provides distinctive worth. This solo house is, for a lot of, a possibility to nurture fulfilling friendships, household bonds, and roles like auntie or godmother, making a wealthy life anchored in relationships that really matter.
No Kids with Males
Ladies’s want to have kids is commonly closely rooted in tradition, whether or not that’s household tradition or the pressures of the bigger society during which they reside. When embracing this “No” ladies could also be rejecting the function of mom so as to distance themselves from the disrespect that they understand males have for the function. In patriarchal societies, comparable to South Korea the place the 4B motion got here to be, ladies’s roles are clearly outlined and never in essentially the most nice of how—subservience, home labor and exclusion from energy are among the widespread expectations. In america, this expertise is extra delicate, and although a few of these expectations exist, ladies have decidedly extra freedom as of this writing.
Selecting to delay and even forgo motherhood within the U.S. can open the door to uninterrupted skilled progress, offering a singular benefit in a workforce nonetheless largely formed round male profession trajectories. The time and house freed up by not having kids permits ladies to prioritize superior training, profession growth, and private ambitions—paths that may be difficult to pursue whereas managing the calls for of household life.
In essence, this selection means you might be your precedence—not your kids, not your associate, simply you. For a lot of ladies, this isn’t solely a route to success but additionally a profound act of self-investment and company.
I have already got a associate and kids. How do I take part?
Many ladies ask me, “How can I stand in solidarity whereas residing a life that already features a associate and kids?” Their query displays a deep want—to attach with different ladies, to honor their very own progress, and to discover new potentialities with out unraveling the lives they’ve constructed.
The reality is, solidarity doesn’t should imply beginning over. It might imply carving out house for your self throughout the life you have already got. Ask your self: What do I must really feel extra related to my very own aspirations? How can I domesticate a way of belonging with different ladies, whereas nurturing my private evolution?
When you will have a male associate or kids at residence, your participation on this motion could look markedly totally different. Chances are you’ll not have the house or want to finish a partnership or essentially alter the way you take part as a dad or mum, however you is probably not completely proud of the way in which dynamics presently play out in your house. At its core, the 4B motion is about setting boundaries.
For ladies with male companions or kids, collaborating on this motion will possible begin by defining and asserting these boundaries inside their present relationships. Is your intercourse life mutually satisfying? Do you evenly cut up little one and residential tasks? How in regards to the easy act of claiming time for your self. Or recalibrating the emotional labor of your relationship or the psychological load of your property. It’s not about rejecting what you’ve created—it’s about increasing inside it, discovering room for the you that’s nonetheless unfolding.
How do I maximize my private progress?
The 4B motion is about reclaiming company—decentering males from one’s life, not out of rejection, however as an empowering option to domesticate autonomy, success, and self-determination.
As you discover which “No’s” serve you, and which don’t, I might encourage you to discover timelines—how lengthy may you embrace your “No”? After a significant breakup, for instance, it would really feel proper to abstain from courting, intercourse, or relationships for a full 12 months. Or maybe just a few months is sufficient to rediscover your self. Maybe you’ve been single for some time and also you need to keep in that house with extra intention. No matter your circumstance, the precise timeline for you is deeply private.
Think about using some tenants of the SMART framework—Particular, Measurable, Achievable, Lifelike, and Well timed—to information your method. Choose one, two, or extra “No’s” that really converse to you. Outline what every means to you and the way it will serve you, maintaining it each intentional and real looking. Then, set a timeline that feels proper—realizing you possibly can alter it as you go. In essentially the most constructive iteration, your engagement with the 4B motion will assist you to create house, honor your wants and reclaim your narrative by yourself phrases. Honor your self and channel your rage into creating your most fulfilling life.
Please bear in mind to honor your feminine associates in no matter decisions they make—whether or not it’s embracing all 4 “No’s,” only one, or none in any respect. Supporting one another is crucial and no matter our differing paths, let’s not activate each other. Standing collectively—in help, in connection, in love—is essentially the most highly effective factor we are able to do.
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