In episode 32 of the Roadmap to Safe Love podcast, Kimberly Castelo and I dive into a subject that quietly sabotages intimacy in lots of relationships: individuals pleasing and intercourse. Typically considered as beneficiant or loving habits, individuals pleasing can truly disconnect us from our genuine selves, undermine erotic connection, and drive a wedge between companions—particularly within the bed room.
What occurs when intercourse stops being about mutual need and turns into a efficiency? What will get misplaced when one associate tries to be “good” at the price of being actual?
Let’s discover the deeper emotional, relational, and psychological dynamics at play—and the best way to shift towards safe, embodied intimacy.
The Attachment Roots of Folks Pleasing in Intercourse
Many individuals who battle with anxious attachment are likely to over-function in relationships—continually anticipating wants, minimizing battle, and centering their associate’s needs in a determined try and keep away from abandonment. This sample usually extends into the bed room. Dr. Sue Johnson calls this Solace Intercourse—a type of intimacy fueled by anxiousness and the necessity for reassurance slightly than real erotic need. Whereas it might quickly soothe attachment fears, it finally reinforces insecurity, feeding adverse cycles that erode genuine connection and make lasting intimacy arduous to maintain.
Within the realm of intercourse, this will appear to be:
- Agreeing to intercourse even when drained, damage, or uninterested
- Believing they need to carry out effectively to be cherished
- Suppressing private needs or boundaries to keep away from rejection
- Feeling chargeable for their associate’s pleasure or orgasm
On the floor, these behaviors might sound selfless. However in actuality, they’re usually rooted in concern, not freedom. And over time, they chip away at genuine erotic connection between each companions.
When Intercourse Feels Like a Chore
Probably the most problematic—and sadly frequent—messages mentioned within the episode is that this: “Simply have intercourse extra, and your relationship will enhance.”
That recommendation is likely to be well-intentioned, however it’s dangerously simplistic. As Kim shared, a therapist as soon as instructed a shopper to have intercourse along with her husband thrice every week to repair their marriage. That sort of “prescription” bypasses the emotional context totally. It ignores the associate’s consent, stress ranges, attachment wounds, and embodied readiness.
When intercourse is decreased to a quota or obligation, it turns into performative. It’s now not about connection—it’s about appeasement. This dynamic can result in:
- Emotional numbness
- Rising resentment
- Misattunement between companions
- Decreased need over time
Intercourse is now not one thing we select collectively. It turns into one thing we tolerate for the sake of stability.
Reclaiming Erotic Pleasure
The antidote to performative intercourse is private erotic duty. As Kim says within the episode, “You are chargeable for your personal pleasure. It’s not your associate’s job.”
This mindset shift is foundational to safe relationships. When each companions take possession of their pleasure, boundaries, and desires, they’ll meet each other from a spot of company—not anxiousness.
Proudly owning your pleasure means:
- Listening to your physique’s cues earlier than saying “sure,” “I’m open to seeing the way it feels as we join,” or “no”
- Exploring what truly feels good for you
- Letting go of disgrace round need or disinterest
- Making intimacy a co-created expertise—not a chore checklist
This doesn’t imply ignoring your associate’s wants. It means bringing your full, trustworthy self to intimacy—so connection is constructed on reality, not efficiency.
Rewriting the Sexual Script
Each one in every of us carries a “sexual script”—a set of expectations we’ve internalized about what intercourse ought to appear to be. These scripts usually come from:
- Spiritual teachings
- Media and pornography
- Household messages
- Early relationship experiences
With out inspecting these influences, many {couples} default to outdated or dangerous sexual norms that prioritize frequency or method over connection and presence.
Within the episode, Kim and I talk about how vital it’s to consciously co-create a sexual script that matches your relationship. One that’s fluid, respectful, playful, and rooted in consent. A safe sexual script makes area for conversations like:
- What turns us on emotionally and bodily?
- What sorts of contact do we wish extra—or much less—of?
- How will we wish to talk throughout intimacy?
- What helps us really feel secure, relaxed, and linked?
This script isn’t written as soon as and sealed. It evolves as you evolve. It’s a residing, relational dialog.
Transferring from Strain to Play
Finally, the objective isn’t simply to “repair” your intercourse life—it’s to remodel it into an area of mutual discovery, emotional connection, and creativity.
Once we take away the stress to carry out, please, or show one thing, we make room for play. That playfulness—whether or not in laughter, new experiences, or shared vulnerability—is the place intimacy thrives.
It’s not about doing it “proper.” It’s about doing it actual.
Key Takeaways from the Episode:
- Folks pleasing in intercourse disconnects you out of your physique.
- Performative intercourse creates resentment and emotional distance.
- Proudly owning your pleasure is a radical act of self-love.
- Co-creating a sexual script builds security and play.
- Intimacy thrives on presence, not stress.
In the event you’ve been caught in cycles of individuals pleasing, guilt-driven intimacy, or sexual avoidance, this episode is a strong place to begin for change. Whether or not you’re in a relationship or navigating this individually, you deserve a sexual connection that feels secure, mutual, and significant.
Comply with The Roadmap to Safe Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Join The Safe Attachment Path course to be taught sensible instruments for constructing safe connections.
Till subsequent time, keep linked and preserve listening with love.
Take heed to earlier episodes of the podcast under:
Transcript for Episode 32: Folks Pleasing and Intercourse
In at the moment’s episode, Kim and Kyle talk about how individuals pleasing and anxious attachment can result in performative, disconnected intercourse—and what it takes to reclaim genuine intimacy. Let’s dive in.
Kim:
If in case you have an anxious attachment, you would possibly begin utilizing methods like individuals pleasing, proper? You be taught, “Oh, if I simply please the individuals round me, perhaps they’ll stick round. Possibly I’ll be seen as beneficial or worthwhile.”
Kyle:
And other people pleasing completely exhibits up within the bed room. You would possibly begin having intercourse even while you’re not open to it, even while you don’t need it—since you really feel such as you ought to. You suppose that’s what associate does.
Kim:
And that results in so many issues. For you. In your physique. For the connection.
Kyle:
Yeah. It turns into compulsory intercourse. Which is not enjoyable or attractive.
Kim:
Proper! It’s like, “Okay, let’s simply get this over with. Get the orgasm. Roll over. Goodnight.” That’s not intimacy. That’s a chore chart.
Kyle:
Have you learnt {that a} therapist as soon as instructed a shopper she wanted to present her husband intercourse thrice every week?
Kim:
Hearth them. Critically—public service announcement: in case your therapist tells you that, hearth them. That recommendation fully ignores what’s truly happening.
One—you are feeling stress to have intercourse.
Two—what’s happening in your physique that you simply’re not open or ?
And three—what’s happening within the relationship dynamics which might be blocking connection?
Kyle:
Precisely. You can comply with that recommendation, certain. However likelihood is, you’ll be checked out. Possibly resentful. Your associate will really feel it. They may begin to suppose you don’t truly take pleasure in being with them.
Kim:
And that pulls the connection additional aside. As a substitute of making passionate, playful, artistic intimacy, it creates distance.
Kyle:
Sadly, we hear that sort of message in every single place. From therapists, from faith, household, media. All these voices saying, “That is what intercourse ought to appear to be.”
Kim:
And it’s exhausting. As a result of it takes away the ability from the couple—it stops you from co-creating your personal sexual script.
Kyle:
Yeah, another person will get to dictate what you do within the bed room. That’s not intimacy. That’s efficiency.
Kim:
It steals your creativity, your playfulness, your eroticism. Not each sexual expertise must be penetrative. There are such a lot of methods to expertise pleasure and connection.
Kyle:
However when intercourse turns into a “thrice every week” requirement? That’s when it turns into a dead-end.
Kim:
It turns into performative. You lose the pleasure. You lose the spontaneity. You change it with resentment and routine.
Kyle:
So what will we do after we need to please our associate, but additionally wish to keep linked to ourselves?
Kim:
We begin by asking: What’s happening for me that folks pleasing is a method I’m utilizing?
Kyle:
What messages did I obtain? About intercourse, about being a associate, about what it means to be good or lovable?
Kim:
Spiritual messages, household messages, cultural scripts. Private experiences that instructed us, “That is what you have to do to maintain a relationship.”
Kyle:
Attachment science tells us—there’s at all times a motive behind our methods. However we are able to begin to perceive and unwind them.
Kim:
And may I say one thing controversial?
Kyle:
Right here we go.
Kim:
You are chargeable for your personal pleasure. Not your associate. Not anybody else. While you personal that, you liberate your relationship.
Kyle:
That’s a significant paradigm shift. So many individuals develop up considering, “I’ve to be lover. I’ve to make my associate orgasm.” However that pulls us away from our personal sensations and our personal physique.
Kim:
Sure! As a substitute of being tuned into what’s pleasurable for you, you develop into hyper-focused in your associate’s expertise—on being ok.
Kyle:
And that disconnects us from co-creating a significant, erotic relationship.
Kim:
So right here’s the development:
- Get to know your personal physique.
- Personal your pleasure.
- Talk together with your associate.
- Unwind the previous messages you’ve internalized.
Kyle:
Since you don’t need some highschool instructor, a faith, or a random Reddit thread defining your intercourse life. You wish to outline it collectively.
Kim:
I really like how Emily Nagoski talks about this in Come As You Are—she makes use of the metaphor of a backyard. You’ve obtained these weeds—previous messages, cultural scripts—and so they take up area. They preserve you from planting what you need: pleasure, connection, eroticism.
Kyle:
In the event you don’t filter out these weeds, you received’t have room on your personal flowers.
Kim:
Precisely. We have to sit down with our associate and say, “What feels good to us? What do we wish to create?”
Kyle:
For the individuals pleaser, which means letting go of the idea that you simply’re chargeable for your associate’s pleasure. You’re chargeable for your personal. And it’s okay to reside authentically.
Kim:
It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to set boundaries. It’s okay to say the comfortable no we talked about within the final episode.
Kyle:
While you do this—while you present up authentically and co-create a sexual script—you will have the perfect intercourse of your life.
Kim:
Promise. From each of us.
Kyle:
As a result of now it’s coming from safety. From connection. From creativity—not stress.
Kim:
So if you end up continually individuals pleasing… in case you’re caught in compulsory intercourse… cease. That sample is definitely getting in the way in which of nice intercourse—and relationship.
Kyle:
Discover why you utilize that technique. What are the roots? What messages did you decide up from tradition, faith, your sixth-grade intercourse ed instructor?
Kim:
Then resolve: What messages do I wish to preserve? And what do I wish to rewrite?
Kyle:
That is the work we do with shoppers—individually and as {couples}. We show you how to redefine intercourse, create your personal script, and construct a playful, erotic relationship that works for you.
Kim:
Begin by proudly owning your pleasure. Let your associate do the identical. After which—co-create one thing extraordinary.
Kyle:
Let go of individuals pleasing. Let go of stress. Create a relationship the place each of you get to be—with out performing.
Comply with The Roadmap to Safe Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Join The Safe Attachment Path course to be taught sensible instruments for constructing safe connections.
Till subsequent time, keep linked and preserve listening with love.
Incessantly Requested Questions (FAQs)
1. What’s individuals pleasing in relationships, and the way does it present up within the bed room?
Folks pleasing in relationships includes prioritizing your associate’s wants on the expense of your personal to keep away from battle, rejection, or disconnection. Within the bed room, this will appear to be agreeing to intercourse while you’re not emotionally or bodily open to it, or focusing totally in your associate’s pleasure whereas disconnecting from your personal.
2. How is individuals pleasing associated to anxious attachment?
Anxiously hooked up people usually use individuals pleasing as a survival technique to keep away from abandonment. They could consider that in the event that they meet their associate’s wants—even at their very own expense—they’ll be cherished and keep linked. This attachment-driven habits can result in performative intercourse and lack of genuine connection.
3. What’s performative intercourse, and why is it dangerous?
Performative intercourse occurs when somebody engages in sexual exercise out of obligation or expectation slightly than real need. It usually lacks emotional presence and intimacy, which may result in resentment, disconnection, and emotions of being unseen or unheard within the relationship.
4. Why is “compulsory intercourse” problematic in long-term relationships?
Compulsory intercourse might preserve the peace quickly, however it erodes emotional and bodily intimacy over time. It might depart one associate feeling used or indifferent, whereas the opposite might really feel undesired or like a burden. Relatively than fostering closeness, it usually pushes {couples} additional aside.
5. What ought to I do if I’ve realized that intercourse has to occur a sure manner or frequency (e.g., 3 instances every week)?
Problem these exterior scripts. Whether or not they come from therapists, faith, household, or media, these guidelines might not mirror what feels good or true for you. Nice intercourse is co-created by companions—not dictated by arbitrary requirements. It’s vital to discover what works on your relationship, not what you’ve been instructed is “regular.”
6. How can I cease individuals pleasing and reclaim my sexual company?
Begin by getting curious concerning the root of the habits: what messages did you obtain rising up? What are you afraid would possibly occur in case you cease individuals pleasing? From there, start to personal your personal pleasure—get to know your physique, your boundaries, and your genuine needs. Talk these together with your associate and co-create a brand new dynamic constructed on mutual care and curiosity.
7. Is it egocentric to prioritize my very own pleasure in a relationship?
Under no circumstances. In actual fact, proudly owning your pleasure creates a basis for deeper intimacy. When each companions take duty for their very own needs and experiences, it removes stress and permits for extra trustworthy, playful, and fulfilling connection.
8. What’s a sexual script, and the way do I co-create one with my associate?
A sexual script is the internalized set of beliefs, habits, and expectations round intercourse—usually formed by tradition, household, faith, or previous experiences. Co-creating a script means deliberately deciding together with your associate what intimacy seems to be like for you each, primarily based on curiosity, consent, and emotional security.
9. How do I begin having these conversations with my associate with out inflicting battle?
Start with vulnerability. As a substitute of claiming what’s fallacious, specific your need for deeper connection:
“I wish to discover new methods of being shut with you.”
“I’ve realized I’ve been individuals pleasing, and I wish to share what’s actually happening for me.”
Keep emotionally grounded, focus in your inner expertise, and invite your associate into co-creation—not blame.
10. The place can I be taught extra about these practices?
You’ll be able to comply with Kim and Kyle on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. You too can enroll of their Safe Attachment Path course, linked within the present notes, to discover your attachment fashion and be taught instruments for constructing safe, linked relationships.
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