Editor’s Word: Our June 2025 mini-series on the BCC Grace and Fact weblog addresses the subject of listening abilities in biblical counseling. On this first article, Joe Hussung shares how one can use reflections as a device for listening. In different contributions to the sequence, Darby Strickland explains how in instances of tragedy and deep sorrow, our presence and a ministry of listening might be the best reward we will supply, and Dave Deuel exhorts us to pay attention for the voice of God throughout counseling classes.
Reflections form our world. We grimace at our reflection within the mirror. We marvel on the magnificence mirrored in a lake that sits below an ideal panorama of nature. We use the reflection of our rearview mirror as we drive in order that we don’t hit our neighbors on the highway. Reflections are part of life and a useful facet of listening. Good and correct reflections are about correct illustration. After we go to the carnival, we expertise the enjoyable home mirrors as disturbing as a result of they don’t precisely symbolize us. However we predict nothing of our rest room mirror, aside from having fun with its good reflection of the way in which issues are. Reflections in listening, when completed properly, are like the toilet mirror. When completed poorly, they’re just like the enjoyable home mirror. Precisely representing what we hear and what it means to the counselee might be one other approach to proceed listening to their story.
Nevertheless, you might be questioning what a mirrored image is. A mirrored image summarizes your understanding of what you’ve heard, together with content material like the opposite’s feelings or perspective on the occasion. At instances, it might even be an intuitive leap of what you assume could have occurred to an individual internally. There are three targets for reflections in some of these conversations.
Reflections Reveal We Are Listening
As you pay attention and mirror to the particular person what they’re considering and feeling and search to guess how they’re responding, they are going to see that you’re listening not solely to what they stated, however to the way it impacted them. This may be invaluable in constructing the sort of trusting relationship you might be searching for to construct. Think about the next instance:
Counselee: Each time I drive previous my dad’s home, it’s like I’ve misplaced him once more.
Counselor: It simply reopens the wound and reminds you of his loss of life.
Counselee: Yeah. It shouldn’t be this difficult. I misplaced him six months in the past, and it simply doesn’t really feel like I’ve gotten over it but.
Counselor: You are feeling like most individuals wouldn’t nonetheless be feeling the way in which you might be—that you simply aren’t as sturdy as try to be.
Counselee: Yeah. I imply, I simply by no means thought it will take this lengthy.
On this instance, the counselor summarizes what the counselee is saying and provides an interpretation of how the counselee feels about what they’ve simply stated. Generally it’s apparent, or it rephrases their very own phrases, or it tries to seize the essence of what they’re saying. The counselor heard the counselee say that they’re reminded of their father’s loss of life once they drive previous his home after which makes use of the metaphor of a wound to assist describe what the counselee could also be feeling. As we mirror what we hear to our counselees on this manner, it proves that we’re actively listening to them.
Reflections Assist Proceed the Dialog
Reflections assist draw out a counselee’s coronary heart. They permit the particular person to talk freely for longer. If we solely ask questions, we could solely get solutions to the questions we ask, and people questions are typically marked extra by our curiosity than by what the particular person really desires to share with us. This may be a problem. Think about how this may work out within the following instance:
Counselee: I had the worst week at work. Particularly Monday. I used to be so anxious that day.
Counselor: What do you imply by “anxious”?
Counselee: You realize, I used to be simply so nervous in regards to the dialog I used to be going to have with my direct supervisor.
Counselor: What about that dialog made you anxious?
Counselee: Effectively, you keep in mind the final time he requested to have a dialog with me. It was horrible! He yelled at me and instructed me that I used to be a screwup. I used to be so discouraged that I misplaced quite a lot of motivation in working for the following week.
Counselor: Have you ever ever had any instances at work while you struggled with motivation?
Counselee: Certain. Any time I’m discouraged about my job efficiency.
Do you see how the counselee needed to share about work conditions, however the counselor’s well-intended questions moved them to speak about one thing else solely? The counselor is curious, and that’s good, however they need to additionally wish to hear what the counselee desires to share.
Reflections can assist the particular person to share what they wish to share, whereas attending to the identical content material that questions can get to. Think about the identical interplay, however with reflections.
Counselee: I had the worst week at work. Particularly Monday. I used to be so anxious that day.
Counselor: That will need to have been depressing.
Counselee: It actually was! My direct supervisor despatched me an e-mail very first thing within the morning about having a dialog on the finish of the day! It simply ruined my complete day.
Counselor: It ruined your complete day since you had that assembly hanging over your head.
Counselee: Not the entire day, however yeah, it actually was taking over most of my mind area for the whole day.
Counselor: It should not have been what you had been hoping to do all day.
Counselee: Completely! I used to be so distracted that now subsequent week will probably be worse than this one. I’ve a lot work piling up, and the dialog received pushed to Tuesday as a result of he ran out of time on Monday! Now, due to all the pieces getting pushed it’ll be even worse subsequent week as a result of now I’m much more behind than I used to be on Monday!
Discover how on this dialog, the reflections allowed the counselee to supply clarification, generally sure and generally no, after which moved the dialog ahead. What the counselee actually needed to get to was the truth that tomorrow received’t be any higher than at this time—that their whole week has compounding stress, not simply that single incident with the boss. The counselee was nonetheless anxious and anticipated being anxious the following day as properly.
Reflections Transfer the Story Ahead
Reflections are for clarification. Whether or not we’re guessing or simply summarizing, our assumption in a mirrored image is definitely a query: “Right here’s what I’m listening to you say. Is that proper?” So constructed into a mirrored image is an invite to be corrected. There’s an admission that I could be fallacious. At instances, you might wish to really insert the query, “Is that proper?” or “Does that match?” simply to verify they really feel the liberty to right you. On this manner, whether or not we’re guessing or simply summarizing how we perceive what they’re saying, we provide them a chance to right our understanding after which transfer the story ahead. Think about the next instance:
Counselee: I’m actually struggling in my relationship with my dad proper now. He simply retains attempting to inform me what to do. When is he going to grasp that I’m a grown grownup? I don’t want him attempting to manage all the pieces I do.
Counselor: Your dad is actually controlling in all the pieces.
Counselee: You realize, now that you simply point out it, I’m undecided he’s controlling in all the pieces.
Discover that the counselor displays that the counselee’s dad controls “all the pieces.” However on additional reflection, the counselee clarifies their dad is controlling, however not in “all the pieces.” You will need to observe that the counselor wasn’t fallacious. He was merely reflecting phrase for phrase what the counselee had stated. This helped them to make clear their very own ideas in regards to the topic.
One final phrase on reflections. Reflections are an effective way to study whether or not you might be understanding the opposite particular person. This may be by altering a phrase barely or decoding a phrase you hear. But when you already know the particular person properly, or as you get to know the particular person higher, you’ll have instinct about how they may reply to a scenario. As counselors, we should always at all times attempt to perceive how a counselee could or could not have responded within the conditions and tales they share. This drives our curiosity, whereas reflections assist us verify our understanding.
Reflecting what we hear from our counselees is a crucial a part of listening. Nevertheless, as a result of reflections are usually not pure to us, they are going to take apply. Attempt them out and see if they assist transfer the dialog ahead and permit you to keep engaged and your counselee to be freer in sharing their story with you.
Questions for Reflection
- What’s a technique you possibly can develop in your potential to attract out your counselee’s coronary heart?
- How has an individual’s potential to hearken to you with understanding impacted you personally?
- What are some methods by which you possibly can implement reflections into your counseling?
Writer’s Word: This text was tailored from Studying to Hear by Joseph Hussung and is used with permission of New Development Press.
