Sexual intimacy just isn’t an answer to all marital stress. There could also be an event or two the place the act of intercourse between a husband and spouse has a reorienting impact and helps to resume connection and love for each other after battle. Basically, nevertheless, sexual intimacy develops out of relational intimacy and mustn’t, due to this fact, be used as a fix-all for marital battle. Biblical counselors, then, mustn’t advocate sexual intimacy because the treatment for relational battle.
This may occasionally appear apparent to some readers, however there was a protracted historical past of utilizing intercourse as an answer to marriage issues. Pastors have been identified to counsel {couples} to “have extra intercourse” as a means of lowering their battle: “Are you feeling disconnected or arguing so much? Then you definately simply must have extra intercourse.” Wholesome intercourse, nevertheless, arises from a spot of belief. The place belief is missing and relational intimacy is shallow, intercourse might occur, but it surely typically breeds resentment and bitterness, not relational well being.
Consider the best way by which Scripture typically depicts sexual intimacy. We learn that Adam “knew” Eve, and he or she conceived (Gen. 4:1, 25). Intercourse is about “realizing” somebody deeply and intimately. It’s a private, emotional, psychological, and religious connection. It’s a bodily connection on the human degree that factors us towards a religious reference to the Lord. What we expertise in marriage is supposed to replicate what we expertise with our God (Eph. 5:32). The bodily act of intercourse provides us some tangible understanding of the deep kind of religious connection we are going to someday expertise with God. Which means that bodily intimacy is greater than merely bodily; true intercourse is about belief and connection. With out these components, intercourse is empty. Prescribing intercourse the place there isn’t a connection not solely fails marriages however distorts religious truths for us, too.
In mild of this actuality, biblical counselors ought to be exceedingly cautious about prescribing intercourse as an answer to marital issues. Typically, we concern that {couples} would possibly violate the command of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:5. We fear that they’ll domesticate a sexless marriage and thereby open up one or the opposite partner to temptation. Understanding the character of the conjugal relationship, nevertheless, issues. Maybe there was a season of abstinence within the marriage. Maybe one partner has withheld intercourse. This could compel us as counselors to hunt readability. It’s uncommon that one partner merely doesn’t need to have intercourse. It’s extra possible that relational issues have made intercourse really feel unsafe, unwelcomed, and unwise. In marriages the place pornography, abuse, or patterns of selfishness abound, encouraging sexual intimacy can truly create additional distance between the couple. Porn, for instance, just isn’t actually about intercourse, and sometimes, a sexual detox is required to get better well being. Likewise, abuse and patterns of selfishness create concern, mistrust, and resentment. Encouraging intimacy in such conditions will go away the issues intact and result in additional bitterness within the marriage.
In actual fact, one key issue for counselors to think about is that sexual intimacy typically helps a partner gauge the general well being of the connection. If a pair is having intercourse, then they might conclude that all the pieces goes okay. Even the place different issues exist, they might really feel that as a result of the opposite partner continues to be keen to have intercourse, then issues should not be that unhealthy. Encouraging intercourse when critical issues exist inside marriage typically results in minimizing the seriousness of these issues. Abstinence is the precise plan of action in these conditions.
As a substitute of viewing intercourse as a cure-all to marital issues, we should always view intercourse as a product of relational intimacy. If a pair is experiencing sexual issues, they need to begin by evaluating their friendship first:
- How linked does every partner really feel to the opposite?
- Does every partner really feel seen and understood throughout the marriage?
- Are there any patterns of significant sin or selfishness which are resulting in separation or harm within the marriage?
- How does every partner really feel about sexual intimacy proper now?
- How would every partner charge their degree of belief within the different?
Consider the underlying causes of their marital discord earlier than discussing their intercourse life. Intercourse just isn’t an answer to marital stress. Bodily intimacy flows from wholesome relational intimacy. In actual fact, abstaining from intercourse, as Paul prescribes in 1 Corinthians 7, will be precisely what a pair ought to do when relational intimacy is missing. Our aim as counselors ought to be to assist {couples} get better belief and intimacy slowly and over time, and pressuring them to have intercourse when they aren’t connecting will solely breed extra issues.
Questions for Reflection
- What are some eventualities inside marriage the place abstaining from intercourse for a season can be sensible and useful?
- How would possibly encouraging a pair to have intercourse when their relational intimacy is low be unhealthy for them?
- What further questions might you ask a pair to judge their relational well being?
