As {couples} decelerate in the course of the summer time months, they usually discover extra space to replicate on how their relationship is functioning. For a lot of, this season of elevated togetherness can convey a shocking realization to gentle: “I’ve misplaced a little bit of myself on this relationship.”
Whereas closeness and connection are important to a thriving partnership, it’s equally vital to take care of a way of particular person identification. In Emotionally Targeted Remedy (EFT), we don’t see individuality and intimacy as opposites—we see them as companions. The purpose isn’t separation, however integration: a safe bond that permits for each togetherness and autonomy.
So what occurs when “we” turns into too loud and “me” turns into too quiet?
The Hidden Value of Emotional Fusion
In safe relationships, companions be happy to be themselves—emotionally, mentally, spiritually. However when worry or disconnection creeps in, some {couples} unknowingly slide into emotional fusion: a sample the place one or each companions sacrifice private wants, values, or pursuits to protect concord or keep away from battle.
Indicators of emotional fusion might embody:
- Avoiding disagreement for worry of rocking the boat
- Dropping contact with private hobbies, objectives, or friendships
- Feeling anxious when doing issues individually
- Adopting your associate’s preferences or feelings as your individual
From an EFT perspective, this type of fusion usually develops as a protecting technique. When emotional security feels fragile, the impulse to merge can seem as a approach to keep related. However over time, it may well create resentment, burnout, and even emotional numbness.
The Position of Attachment and Autonomy
Emotionally Targeted Remedy is rooted in attachment principle, which teaches that people are wired for connection—however that connection doesn’t imply enmeshment. Safe attachment really frees us to discover, specific, and evolve. After we really feel emotionally protected with our associate, we’re higher capable of danger being our genuine selves.
In actual fact, research present that relationships with a excessive degree of emotional safety usually characteristic extra particular person freedom—not much less (Johnson, 2008). That’s as a result of once we belief the bond, we don’t should cling or collapse into each other. We will stay related whereas additionally being distinct.
Why Dropping Your self Isn’t All the time Apparent
For a lot of, the lack of self doesn’t present up dramatically—it creeps in subtly. You may discover:
- You’re uncertain what your wants really are
- You wrestle to make choices with out your associate’s enter
- You are feeling “off” however can’t clarify why
- You catch your self saying “we” once you imply “I”
Usually, these are indicators of a protecting sample rooted in early attachment experiences. If autonomy was unsafe in childhood—if independence was met with punishment, withdrawal, or rejection—it might really feel safer now to merge than to danger separation.
In EFT, we discover how these early emotional maps form present relational patterns. And we provide a brand new map—one the place self-expression and safe bonding go hand in hand.
Reclaiming Your self With out Creating Distance
So how do you start to re-establish your identification with out damaging your bond? It begins with small, intentional steps—first inside your self, then throughout the relationship.
1. Get Curious About Who You Are
Start by asking questions like:
- What lights me up, impartial of my relationship?
- When do I really feel most like me?
- Are there elements of myself I’ve placed on maintain?
Journaling, remedy, or quiet reflection will help you reconnect with these solutions.
2. Title the Sample Collectively
Along with your associate, think about exploring the thought of emotional fusion gently. You may say:
- “I’ve been questioning if I’ve misplaced contact with a few of my very own needs or wants.”
- “Do you ever really feel like we over-prioritize the connection and under-prioritize ourselves?”
Naming this sample will not be about blame. It’s about consciousness.
3. Apply Safe Separateness
Strive scheduling particular person time every week—whether or not it’s pursuing a interest, spending time with associates, or just having solo house to suppose and really feel. Importantly, do that whereas remaining emotionally related. Test in with one another afterward. Share what you skilled. Reconnect.
This builds belief that “separateness” doesn’t equal “menace.”
4. Use the Language of Attachment
As a substitute of claiming, “I want extra space,” attempt, “I need to reconnect with elements of myself so I can present up extra absolutely in our relationship.” The EFT mannequin reminds us that how we talk our wants usually determines whether or not our associate hears them as a menace or an invite.
Integration, Not Independence
EFT doesn’t ask {couples} to decide on between autonomy and intimacy. It invitations each. Dr. Sue Johnson writes, “After we can rely on others, we might be extra impartial.” True individuality really strengthens the emotional bond—it permits each individuals to convey their full selves to the connection.
After we know we’re protected, we don’t should merge or disappear. We will belong with out shedding ourselves.
Ultimate Ideas
If this summer time is awakening a longing to reconnect not simply along with your associate, however with your self—that’s one thing value listening to. It might be the season to discover who you’re, what you want, and the best way to present up extra absolutely in your relationship.
Emotionally Targeted Remedy supplies a robust roadmap for {couples} who need to transfer from emotional fusion towards emotional freedom—the place love isn’t about turning into the identical, however about standing collectively as two complete, related individuals.
If you happen to’re struggling to rebuild genuine connection, looking for assist from a therapist might be useful. The therapists at {Couples} Counselling Centre can be found to information you thru the method of reconnecting and making a deeper, extra fulfilling relationship. Click on HERE to e-book a free seek the advice of.
