Editor’s Observe: Our August 2025 mini-series on the BCC Grace and Fact weblog addresses the subject of single parenting. On this remaining article, Pleasure Forrest shares knowledge for single parenting after trauma and abuse. In different contributions to the collection, Robert Jones affords 9 biblical truths for single mother and father and those that love them, and Shannon McCoy addresses single parenting after divorce.
Being a single mum or dad is the toughest job I’ve ever had. Once I first turned one, I used to be overwhelmed by the aftershocks of escaping a lethal, abusive relationship. My youngsters had been hurting, offended, and we had been all extremely reactive. In my thoughts, the pressure of solo parenting rivaled the trauma of putting up with the abuse. As soon as we moved out of the marital residence, my youngsters lastly had a secure area to precise their emotions. Nonetheless, that they had no downside lashing out at me usually. I discovered myself in tears day-after-day. I cried out to God for assist, and whereas He granted me grace, it took a very long time for issues to enhance.
Challenges of Single Parenting
Let’s be trustworthy: turning into a single mum or dad is commonly a traumatic expertise in and of itself. Whether or not it arises from abuse, divorce, or the demise of a partner, it isn’t a scenario most would want. In God’s pure order, we aren’t meant to mum or dad alone. From the start, His design included households with two mother and father (Gen. 2:18, 21-24), and those that find yourself parenting alone might deeply sense that issues usually are not as they need to be. We really feel inadequate to deal with all of the challenges that come up, and it’s additional making an attempt when our youngsters are carrying trauma.[1] Most of us battle to even know the place to start. I do know that I actually did. My women and I survived these single-parenting years, however none of us emerged utterly unscathed. Wanting again, I spotted that my lack of know-how of the results of trauma made every part worse. If I had identified then what I do know now, we might have averted some extreme after-effects. The excellent news is that our God affords knowledge for individuals who ask for and search it (James 1:5, Prov. 2:2-6). The scriptural truths under have been invaluable to most of the single mother and father I’ve labored with over time.
Knowledge for Single Parenting
Follow Self-Examination (2 Cor. 13:5; Ps. 139:23-24)
This can be a highly effective device that may show you how to replicate on methods you’ve gotten missed the mark and determine any unhealthy, dangerous parenting patterns. After leaving my abusive relationship, I spotted that my reactions to the abuse had led to inconsistent parenting types that fluctuated between being too lenient and too strict. On the time, the parenting books I learn targeted on conduct reasonably than the hearts of my traumatized youngsters, and years later, I regretted not being extra relational and loving. All of us make errors, however among the finest issues we will do to assist our youngsters is to humbly admit once we are unsuitable and to ask God to present us grace and knowledge to enhance. This may typically contain apologizing to our youngsters as we acknowledge the hurt we’ve prompted.
Present Constant, Unconditional Love (Ps. 103:13-17; John 13:34-35; Eph. 6:4)
Trauma can lead youngsters to really feel unlovable and ashamed. They typically carry disgrace for the unhealthy issues which have occurred of their households. I’ve identified many who thought they had been responsible for his or her mother and father’ divorce and noticed themselves as unlovable. Keep away from scolding out of anger and frustration (Gal. 5:22-23). Assist them acknowledge and substitute beliefs that counter God’s truths. Keep in mind that love at all times does what’s greatest for them, and that features light self-discipline (Gal. 5:22-23; Heb. 4:6), which offers them with construction and bounds (Prov. 4:23; 22:6; Gal. 6:1-4).
Concentrate on Your Personal Therapeutic First (Prov. 11:14; Matt. 6:33; Ps. 34:4-6; Rom. 12:2)
That is very a lot the identical thought as placing on an oxygen masks in an airplane earlier than serving to youngsters with theirs. Once we are too traumatized to perform nicely, it could severely impression our youngsters. Search clever counsel from somebody who understands the impacts of trauma as you navigate the results of your previous and parenting challenges. Cultivating your individual relationship with God will probably be an important a part of passing therapeutic on to your youngsters. As they see you mannequin His unchanging character, they are going to come to see His look after them.
Keep away from Reactive Parenting (Gal. 5:23; James 1:19-20; Eph. 6:4)
Don’t let feelings drive your parenting. Permitting emotions similar to worry and anger to information our parenting selections can unknowingly train our youngsters that unstable reactions are acceptable. Sadly, our our bodies could make it tough to not react when we’ve skilled traumatic occasions. Getting assist from a counselor to discover ways to calm your feelings and reactions could be extraordinarily useful. After I acquired out of the abuse, I used to be blessed to find a approach to calm my nervous system and regulate overwhelming feelings by means of meditation on Scripture.[2] Over time, strategies like this may also help calm erratic feelings and forestall reactive parenting selections.
Contemplate Counseling for Your Youngsters (Prov. 15:22; 24:6)
If attainable, search counseling for each your youngsters and also you, however prioritize your individual restoration first. Youngsters could also be immune to counseling, and compelled counseling isn’t useful. Nonetheless, if they’re keen, it could make an enormous distinction.
Construct Resilience
Educate your youngsters that hardship is part of life, but it surely doesn’t outline who they’re. I imagine Paul’s phrases in 2 Corinthians 4:9 exemplify the idea of resilience: “We’re hard-pressed on each aspect however not crushed; perplexed, however not in despair; persecuted, however not deserted; struck down, however not destroyed.” The story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50 serves as a robust instance for youngsters who’ve skilled trauma. Scripture addresses struggling and ache head-on, and we should always not shrink back from these discussions. Having open conversations about arduous matters, together with encouraging supportive relationships with wholesome adults (associates or relations), selling gratitude, acknowledging and discussing their emotions, praying collectively about their issues, educating problem-solving abilities, and serving to them problem false beliefs about God or themselves with Scriptural fact are all efficient methods to assist construct resilient youngsters.
Tailor Your Parenting Method (Prov. 22:6; Col. 3:21)
Each little one is exclusive, and there’s no one-size-fits-all method to parenting. It’s essential to replicate God’s relational love and alter your parenting model to match your little one’s persona and life experiences. Our Lord’s instance as the proper mum or dad offers worthwhile steerage as a result of He understands the distinctive wants of every of His youngsters. Simply as Jesus interacted in a different way with damaged and marginalized people in comparison with spiritual leaders, our parenting also needs to replicate a gracious understanding of our youngsters’s particular wants.
Give up your youngsters to God (Luke 12:32; 1 Pet. 5:7)
Even for those who do every part proper as a mum or dad, there isn’t a assure of a optimistic consequence. When my women reached early maturity, circumstances arose that made me really feel like I had utterly blown it. The one factor I may do was stop striving and totally entrust them to God’s loving care. Apparently, as I did that, superb breakthroughs occurred that solely He may orchestrate. Keep in mind that He loves them greater than you do and desires to redeem their tales whilst He redeems yours.
Questions for Reflection
- You probably have confronted single parenting, what has been your biggest problem?
- What motion factors can you are taking primarily based on this put up?
[1] Referred to as to Peace Ministries affords advocacy coaching that features programs on parenting traumatized youngsters and sharing parenting time with abusive co-parents. Be taught extra at https://calledtopeace.org/become-an-affiliated-advocate/.
[2] See https://www.biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2024/04/19/healing-trauma-related-panic-through-scripture/ for extra on this course of.
