Have you ever ever entered a brand new relationship and thought, That is every part I’ve ever needed—but nonetheless discovered your self anxious, suspicious, or emotionally distant?
If that’s the case, you’re not damaged. You’re human.
In episode 31 of the Roadmap to Safe Love podcast, relationship specialists Kyle Benson and Kimberly Castelo dive into some of the ignored features of emotional intimacy: how unhealed ache from the previous can silently sabotage current connection.
The episode explores why even the healthiest relationships can really feel unsafe in case your nervous system remains to be wired for survival—and what it takes to start actually therapeutic relationships from the within out.
When Outdated Wounds Present Up in New Love
Think about you’re relationship somebody who’s constant, type, and emotionally accessible. Every part feels proper on paper. However then they cancel plans, take too lengthy to answer a textual content, or simply act barely off—and your coronary heart begins to race. You spiral into worst-case situations. You draw back, shut down, or lash out.
What’s occurring right here isn’t about your associate. It’s in regards to the emotional blueprint you convey with you.
Within the episode, Kyle explains how previous experiences—particularly painful ones like betrayal, abandonment, or emotional neglect—don’t disappear once we begin contemporary. They arrive with us until we’ve completed the work to course of and heal them. As he places it, “It’s just like the ghost of our ex remains to be within the room.”
The Mind Isn’t Wired for Love—It’s Wired for Survival
Our brains are biologically designed to prioritize menace detection over connection. This “negativity bias” is an evolutionary survival mechanism: In case your mind believes there’s hazard—even emotional—it should set off your physique to guard itself, typically earlier than you even understand what’s occurring.
Kim factors out that the actual problem in therapeutic relationships isn’t simply discovering a protected associate. It’s studying methods to belief that security and permit your self to relaxation in it. And that’s a lot more durable than it sounds—particularly when your nervous system has been skilled to be on excessive alert attributable to insecurity in previous relationships, together with your household of origin.
From Overfunctioning to Authenticity
Kyle vulnerably shares how previous betrayals led him to over perform in relationships. He tried to earn love by being the “excellent associate”—giving presents, over speaking, and over-accommodating, all in an effort to really feel safe. However the therapeutic didn’t start till he stopped performing and began being actual.
This shift—from pleasing to presence—is among the core milestones in therapeutic. It requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, and a willingness to tolerate discomfort as an alternative of making an attempt to keep away from it.
Therapeutic Doesn’t Imply Doing It Alone
Whereas private progress is important, Kim and Kyle emphasize that therapeutic occurs in relationships too. We’re wired for connection, and once we enable somebody to see us—particularly the elements we normally disguise—we create the circumstances for therapeutic.
However this isn’t about dumping your trauma in your associate or anticipating them to repair you. It’s about speaking with intention. Probably the most efficient frameworks from the episode is that this three-part system:
- Personal your ache – Identify the set off and its root in previous experiences.
- Acknowledge your associate’s assist – Validate what they’re doing nicely.
- Ask for what you want – Invite them into the method with you.
Instance:
“I’ve been cheated on prior to now, and typically whenever you’re quiet, I fear one thing’s unsuitable. I do know you’re not my previous patner, and I really like how open you’ve been with me. After I get anxious, it helps in case you can simply remind me that we’re okay.”
Resistance to Reassurance
An typically ignored dynamic in therapeutic wounds of insecurity is the interior resistance to receiving reassurance. You may ask for consolation—however then reject it. Kyle shares how he used to want fixed reassurance, but it surely by no means caught. The explanation we resist is to guard ourselves from future harm, as a result of the previous harm was so damaging. The issue is that this safety can get in the best way of really feel the safety and love in our present relationship if we can not soak up our associate’s reassurance. The turning level got here when he discovered to soak up the reassurance and belief it.
Receiving love requires vulnerability. It means permitting your self to really feel protected—and that may really feel terrifying in case you’re used to being harm. However letting these moments land is the place the true therapeutic begins.
What About Your Associate Who Hasn’t Harm You?
The episode additionally explores the expertise of the associate who hasn’t precipitated hurt—however nonetheless feels the load of their associate’s previous. They might suppose, Why am I being punished for one thing I didn’t do?
This frustration is actual and legitimate. And the reply isn’t to dismiss your emotions—it’s to honor them whereas additionally staying dedicated to mutual therapeutic. As Kim notes, the individual with the harm can do loads by merely expressing appreciation and being overt about your associate’s constructive affect.
In case you are this associate, you may ask your present associate to create space for you displaying up for them in a different way and to have them share fears in a susceptible approach so you may assist them in therapeutic.
The aim is for each companions to strengthen the behaviors that construct belief and safety. This creates a suggestions loop of care, not criticism.
Ultimate Reflection: Belief Is a Threat and a Present
Therapeutic relationships doesn’t imply erasing the previous. It means studying methods to stay with the previous with out letting it outline your current. That requires danger. Vulnerability. And a leap of religion.
Once you cease guarding your coronary heart out of concern and begin trusting love once more, you acquire one thing highly effective: the power to really feel protected with out having to regulate every part. You get to relaxation. To breathe. To like—and be cherished—absolutely.
Comply with The Roadmap to Safe Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Join The Safe Attachment Path course to study sensible instruments for constructing safe connections.
Till subsequent time, keep related and maintain listening with love.
Hearken to earlier episodes of the podcast beneath:
Transcript for Episode 31: Why You Nonetheless Really feel Insecure in a Safe Relationship
In immediately’s episode, Kim and Kyle focus on how previous relationship wounds can sabotage current love—and what it takes to really really feel protected once more. Let’s dive in.
Kim:
So, we harm in relationships. And once we’ve been via breakups or unhealthy dynamics, we supply that ache into our subsequent relationship—even when it’s a very good one.
It’s higher. It’s wholesome. It’s every part we needed.
However nonetheless, that previous story creeps in.
As an alternative of seeing the associate proper in entrance of us, we see them via the lens of our previous ache—and that may trigger battle.
Kyle:
Precisely. It’s just like the ghost of our previous.
In remedy, we frequently say the previous isn’t actually prior to now. It at all times comes with us—particularly if we haven’t healed it. Even once we’re in a more healthy relationship, our mind goes: That is good, however what if…? And all of the sudden, we’re on edge.
Kim:
So what will we do about that?
As a result of it’s human. Once we’ve been harm earlier than, we supply these protecting elements with us.
We enter a brand new relationship, however we’re guarded. We see every part via the lens of, You’re going to do this to me too.
Kyle:
Precisely. That’s safety. We don’t need to get harm once more, so we keep a bit distant. It is sensible—but it surely additionally retains us from absolutely connecting in a safe, wholesome approach.
So the place will we begin?
With self-work. Understanding these ache factors. Naming the uncooked spots.
Kyle:
For instance, in my private life—I’ve been in relationships the place I used to be cheated on. It made me really feel nugatory, insufficient. I overfunctioned. I purchased presents, flowers, went into debt, making an attempt to show I used to be sufficient.
I stayed on edge, ready for it to occur once more.
Finally, via remedy, I noticed I wanted to cease making an attempt to carry out for love—and as an alternative, begin displaying up authentically for myself. To ask, Is that this relationship good for me too?
Kim:
Sure, you’ve acquired to heal your self a bit.
You construct a safe self—after which, you may heal in relationship, too.
Kyle:
We harm in relationships, and we heal in relationships.
Once we know our uncooked spots, we will ask our new associate for assist.
For instance, after I began relationship my present associate, I used to be trustworthy about my previous. I stated:
“Hey, I’ve been cheated on in a number of relationships. One individual even acquired married every week after we broke up—I believe they have been in that relationship the entire time.”
Her response?
“Wow. How can we work on this collectively?”
That was therapeutic. I informed her, “Generally I would get insecure and simply want reassurance.” She provided that.
And my work? Not texting her 900 occasions for reassurance. However receiving it. Letting it in.
Kim:
That’s so stunning. You requested for assist. She comforted you. And also you let it contact you.
That’s the work: taking within the care. Believing it.
Letting it soften the ache so you can also make house for this new relationship.
Kyle:
Yeah. Trusting that I matter. That I’m not nugatory in her eyes.
Kim:
Now let’s title one other actuality: the associate who didn’t trigger the unique harm might begin to really feel worn down.
They could say,
“I didn’t do that to you. I’m not your ex. I haven’t completed these issues. I get it, however I’m bored with being seen that approach.”
Kyle:
Proper. And that’s when we’ve to see them for who they truly are—not who harm us.
We should acknowledge: You might be totally different.
So how will we do this?
Kim:
I imagine we have to be extra overt with our hearts and our intention.
Say one thing like:
“I need to share a ache level I’m battling—not due to something you’ve completed, however due to my previous. And I simply need you to know, you’re an exquisite associate. You do that and this and this—and that heals me. Can we speak about the place I’m struggling?”
We don’t acknowledge sufficient of the great issues individuals do. And that acknowledgment can soothe their concern.
Kyle:
That’s it. You personal your previous ache, however you additionally title what your associate does in a different way. You present gratitude—and then you share what assist you continue to want.
Kim:
There’s even science behind this.
Our brains are wired to carry onto ache longer than constructive experiences.
It’s primal—constructed to maintain us protected from future threats. But it surely additionally means we’ve to combat to let within the good.
Kyle:
Sure. Put your toes on the bottom. Identify what you’re feeling. Ask for assist.
And acknowledge your associate: “You might be totally different. I respect you. I want you.”
That helps them maintain displaying up—and offers them reinforcement that they’re doing it proper. Which is what so many companions lengthy for.
Kim:
Even my canine will get it!
As we’re speaking about ache and trauma, he got here and sat on my toes, like, “You want me?”
Generally we simply want somebody to do this. To say, “I’m right here.”
Kyle:
And but, we hear purchasers say,
“However Kyle… what if I begin to really feel protected—after which one thing dangerous occurs once more?”
That’s the concern a part of our mind speaking. However right here’s the reality:
Unhealthy issues might occur. However we’re resilient.
I’m resilient. You’re resilient.
We will heal. We will change. We will love—and be cherished.
Ache can’t cease that.
Kim:
For anybody who’s skilled betrayal or been in a poisonous relationship, trusting once more can really feel terrifying.
However whenever you’ve each completed the work—when your associate has actually proven up—that’s the second to ask:
Can I really feel protected sufficient to danger trusting once more?
Kyle:
Sure. And whenever you do, you get to be open to the magnificence of affection and connection.
To your individual sense of price.
However in case you’re guarded on a regular basis, you gained’t let it in—and your mind will maintain scanning for threats as an alternative of seeing what’s actual.
Kim:
So flip to your associate.
Acknowledge them.
Share your fact.
Problem your self to have a look at this relationship in a different way than the previous.
Let it inform you. Let it train you. Let it enable you relaxation.
Kyle:
Thanks for becoming a member of us.
Comply with The Roadmap to Safe Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Join The Safe Attachment Path course to study sensible instruments for constructing safe connections.
Till subsequent time, keep related and maintain listening with love.
Continuously Requested Questions (FAQs)
1. How do previous relationship wounds have an effect on present romantic relationships?
Unhealed emotional ache from earlier relationships can create protecting patterns in new ones—like mistrust, over-functioning, or emotional distance. These behaviors typically stem from a want to keep away from being harm once more however can unintentionally sabotage wholesome, present-day connections.
2. Why do I nonetheless really feel insecure even when my present relationship is wholesome?
Even in protected, supportive relationships, previous betrayals or emotional accidents can activate concern and anxiousness. Your nervous system should still be on excessive alert, scanning for hazard, making it more durable to completely belief or loosen up into the connection.
3. What’s a “uncooked spot” and why is it essential to establish it?
A “uncooked spot” is an emotional ache level—typically rooted in previous relationships or experiences—that will get triggered in current interactions. Figuring out these helps you perceive your emotional reactions and permits you to talk your wants extra clearly along with your associate.
4. Can therapeutic occur inside a relationship, or does it require particular person remedy first?
Each are essential. Particular person remedy helps you construct self-awareness and course of trauma, whereas therapeutic in a relationship occurs via vulnerability, reassurance, and feeling constantly protected along with your associate.
5. What ought to I do if I get triggered in my relationship?
First, decelerate and floor your self. Put your toes on the ground, title what you’re feeling, and remind your self that this relationship is totally different. Then, talk along with your associate about what’s occurring, and ask for the assist you want.
6. How can I ask my associate for reassurance with out overwhelming them?
Be direct however respectful. Say one thing like, “I’m feeling insecure proper now. May you supply me a bit reassurance?” It’s additionally your duty to obtain that reassurance and combat to take it in—as an alternative of repeatedly looking for extra.
7. What if my associate feels pissed off being in comparison with my ex or my previous trauma?
That is widespread. Acknowledge their efforts and specific appreciation for what they’re doing in a different way. Allow them to know that your ache comes from the previous—not them—and be overt about their constructive affect in your therapeutic.
8. Why is it so laborious to imagine the great issues in a relationship?
The human mind is wired for survival and tends to focus extra on perceived threats than on security or reward. This evolutionary intuition helped maintain us alive, but it surely additionally means we’ve to deliberately work to let the great in and have a good time it.
9. How do I begin trusting once more after betrayal?
Belief is rebuilt via constant actions, vulnerability, and emotional openness. It’s a danger—however one rooted within the resilience you’ve constructed. Once you acknowledge your associate’s efforts and present up authentically, you create house for belief and intimacy to develop once more.
10. The place can I study extra about these practices?
You possibly can observe Kim and Kyle on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. It’s also possible to enroll of their Safe Attachment Path course, linked within the present notes, to discover your attachment model and study instruments for constructing safe, related relationships.
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