In episode 28 of the Roadmap to Safe Love podcast, Kyle Benson and Kimberly Castelo discover a deceptively easy but important idea: trusting your self. Whereas it’d sound like a self-help cliché, trusting your self is definitely one of the important elements of growing emotional safety, making grounded choices, and fostering genuine connection in relationships.
And but—for many people—it’s additionally one of many hardest issues to do. This episode digs into why we regularly abandon our intestine instincts, the right way to differentiate between emotions and ideas, and what it actually means to construct a safe self. Grounded in attachment concept, the dialog explores how anxious attachment and avoidant attachment patterns can intervene with trusting ourselves. Whether or not you’re in a romantic relationship, navigating friendships, or doing your personal inside work, the insights from this episode can reshape the way you present up for your self—and others, finally guiding you towards a extra safe attachment.
The Downside: We’ve Been Educated to Mistrust Ourselves
From an early age, many people are taught—deliberately or not—to doubt our inside expertise. We’re advised issues like:
- “You’re being too delicate.”
- “Cease crying or I’ll offer you one thing to cry about.”
- “That’s not what occurred.”
These messages reinforce a perception that our feelings are an excessive amount of, our instincts are unsuitable, or another person at all times is aware of higher. Over time, we be taught to disconnect from our emotions and depend on ideas, beliefs, and exterior validation as a substitute. This emotional disconnection can severely impression emotional intimacy and depart us feeling misunderstood in our closest relationships. Slightly than fostering emotional attunement, we begin prioritizing logic over lived expertise—lacking the delicate emotional cues which can be essential for connection.
This disconnect can turn out to be particularly damaging in grownup relationships. As an alternative of listening to that uncomfortable feeling in our intestine, we override it. We tolerate crimson flags. We are saying “sure” once we imply “no.” We rush to make choices simply to keep away from discomfort or battle. Over time, this may end up in feeling disconnected from ourselves and our companions, particularly once we constantly miss alternatives for restore makes an attempt or fail to flip towards your companion in moments of want.
Kyle and Kim each share private experiences of moments after they ignored their intestine—and paid the worth. These tales remind us that the price of not trusting your self usually exhibits up later within the type of remorse, resentment, or the aching sense of not feeling seen in love.
Why Listening to Your Intestine Is Extra Than Only a Feeling
One of the fascinating insights from the episode is the organic foundation of intestine instincts. Kim explains that the vagus nerve connects our mind to our abdomen, permitting our physique to ship early warning indicators earlier than our ideas even catch up. That “off” feeling in your abdomen? It’s not imaginary—it’s your nervous system doing its job. However as a substitute of listening, we regularly rush previous it
In relationships, this could appear to be lacking early indicators of emotional triggers, mismanaging battle, or falling into acquainted relational patterns the place defensiveness and disgrace in relationships take over. After we ignore our intestine, we’re extra more likely to repeat the identical battle cycle with out understanding what’s actually driving it. Training self-awareness and battle administration begins by honoring these preliminary physique cues moderately than overriding them. Listed here are some examples:
- Agreeing to one thing earlier than checking in with your self
- Feeling unsettled however dismissing it as “drama”
- Getting emotionally overwhelmed and pushing more durable as a substitute of pausing
As Kyle shares, one of the vital practices in constructing a safe self is slowing down. Give your self permission to say, “Can I take into consideration this and get again to you?” That second of reflection could also be precisely what your nervous system wants to search out readability.
The Distinction Between Emotions, Ideas, and Beliefs
“I really feel such as you don’t care about me” is a perception.
“You’re not listening to me” is a thought.
“I really feel damage” or “I really feel lonely” is a sense.
Kimberly brings consideration to a crucial distinction that many individuals miss: emotions are usually not the identical as ideas or beliefs. This readability is important in therapeutic relationships, particularly when companions are navigating an intimacy mismatch or emotional disconnect.
Understanding this distinction is a crucial step within the relationship roadmap towards safe love. Beliefs and ideas can (and will) be questioned. Kim encourages listeners to get curious:
- The place did this perception come from?
- Would this maintain up in a courtroom of legislation?
- Has this particular person truly mentioned or accomplished the factor I’m assuming?
Emotions, then again, are supposed to be held, not debated. After we deal with feelings as issues to repair as a substitute of experiences to be honored, we silence ourselves. And once we try this repeatedly, we begin shedding belief in ourselves—creating challenges in relationships and making constructing belief tougher over time.
What a Safe Self Really Appears to be like Like
A safe self isn’t somebody who at all times is aware of the correct reply instantly. It’s somebody who’s prepared to pause, tune in, and personal their emotional reality—even when it’s messy, unclear, or inconvenient. Some qualities of a safe self mentioned within the episode embrace:
- The flexibility to pause as a substitute of react
- Consolation with altering your thoughts after reflection
- Willingness to identify your emotions clearly and instantly
- The braveness to honor your intestine, even when others disagree
Each Kyle and Kim word that trusting your self might not at all times be met with enthusiasm—particularly from people who find themselves used to you abandoning your wants. That’s okay. Constructing emotional safety isn’t about pleasing others; it’s about aligning along with your values and inside knowledge.
Key Takeaways from the Episode
- Your intestine is sensible – Study to acknowledge and respect what your physique is telling you.
- Decelerate – Pause earlier than reacting or committing; give your physique and thoughts time to align.
- Separate information from emotions – Problem your beliefs and ideas, however honor your feelings.
- Give your self permission to vary – You’re allowed to revisit a choice when you’ve sat with it.
- Self-trust is the gateway to safe love – The extra grounded you might be in your self, the safer others will really feel round you.
Remaining Ideas
Trusting your self doesn’t imply you’ll by no means make errors. It means you’re constructing a relationship with your self rooted in consciousness, compassion, and alignment. The extra you follow tuning in and honoring your inside indicators, the much less seemingly you might be to betray your wants, silence your reality, or keep in relationships that don’t serve you.
As Kyle and Kim superbly present on this episode, self-trust is a muscle—and it grows each time you decelerate, pay attention in, and reply from a spot of integrity.
Observe The Roadmap to Safe Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Join The Safe Attachment Path course to be taught sensible instruments for constructing safe connections.
Till subsequent time, keep linked and preserve listening with love.
Take heed to earlier episodes of the podcast under:
Transcript for Episode 28: From Doubt to Belief: How Constructing a Safe Self Begins Inside
Kim:
Welcome to the Roadmap to Safe Love! In in the present day’s episode, Kyle and I are discussing how studying to belief your intestine may help you construct emotional readability and create deeper, safer relationships. Let’s dive in!
Kyle:
“Take heed to your intestine, hearken to your intestine” — we’ve heard that one million occasions, proper?
Kim:
Now we have! I used to joke and say, “Yeah, my intestine’s telling me I’m hungry.”
However there’s actual science behind it, Kyle. The vagal nerve runs from our mind to our abdomen. After we really feel unsure or anxious, it may well trigger that sensation in our intestine.
Most of us, although, haven’t actually discovered — or been given permission — to hearken to it.
Kyle:
Proper. We’ve had life experiences that taught us not to belief our intestine. We’ve developed beliefs like, “Another person is aware of higher,” or “That is the most effective I’m going to get.”
I do know that from private expertise. Changing into a therapist actually stemmed from my historical past of unhealthy relationships. I didn’t belief my intestine.
Issues felt off — I bear in mind feeling knots in my abdomen — however I saved making an attempt to make the connection work, regardless of all of the crimson flags.
As a result of I believed that was the most effective I may do.
Kim:
Yeah, and I feel plenty of occasions we get confused between ideas, beliefs, and emotions.
Kyle:
Completely. Folks will usually say, “I’m feeling unheard,” or “I’m feeling such as you don’t hearken to me,” however these aren’t emotions — they’re beliefs.
Kim:
Thanks! Precisely.
A feeling can be: “I’m feeling rejected,” “I’m feeling anxious,” “I’m feeling pissed off.”
A thought can be: “You’re not listening to me.”
A perception is likely to be: “Nobody listens to me, so why ought to I even strive?”
Kyle:
And once we confuse these, it will get sneaky. We cease trusting the sensation in our physique, and as a substitute belief these ideas or beliefs that block us from being safe in relationships.
However a safe self listens to the intestine. It listens to that connection from the mind, down the vagal nerve, into the abdomen.
Kim:
Even once we don’t instantly know why we really feel sick to our abdomen or anxious, now we have to decelerate and pay attention.
Kyle:
Precisely. So, how can we truly decelerate and reconnect with our intestine, particularly when all these ideas and beliefs are swirling round in our heads?
Kim:
When it’s a thought or perception, we are able to push again.
We are able to ask:
- Is that this actually taking place?
- The place did I be taught this?
- Would this maintain up in a courtroom of legislation?
If somebody didn’t explicitly inform me, “I hate you,” then possibly my thought (“They hate me”) isn’t truth — it’s only a perception.
However when it’s a feeling — “I really feel lonely,” “I really feel rejected,” “I really feel insecure” — we have to maintain it.
We have to say to ourselves, “I hear you. One thing’s off, and I’m going to are inclined to you. You deserve higher than this yuckiness.”
Kyle:
That’s actually laborious to do, particularly as a result of we reside in such a fast-paced world the place slowing down feels unsafe.
If we didn’t develop up with individuals who held house for our feelings, it may well really feel actually scary to stick with them now.
Kim:
Proper. If a mother or father mentioned, “I’ll offer you one thing to cry about,” that wasn’t holding house — that was making feelings really feel unsafe.
Kyle:
Precisely. And now, a part of the therapeutic is studying to make house to carry our feelings with out making an attempt to unravel or rush previous them.
Kim:
You truly do that very well with me, Kyle.
Generally I’ll come to you with an concept, and also you’ll say, “Can I simply sit with it for a second and get again to you?”
You’re giving your self time to hearken to your intestine.
Kyle:
Thanks, Kim.
You’ve picked that up too — giving your self permission to revisit issues in case your preliminary reply didn’t sit proper.
It’s okay to say, “Hey, I advised you sure or no earlier, however I would like a while to essentially give it some thought.”
Kim:
Nobody’s ever mentioned to me, “Nicely, you already gave your reply, you possibly can’t change your thoughts.”
In secure relationships, persons are tremendous with you taking the time you want.
Kyle:
As a result of they need the genuine you — not a rushed, disconnected model of you.
Kim:
Precisely.
Generally, particularly once we’re overwhelmed, we don’t instantly know what our intestine is saying.
At the same time as therapists, it’s not at all times 100% clear!
Kyle:
Completely.
Once I first began in remedy work, I noticed that after I felt overwhelmed, I had an inclination to push more durable.
However my particular person therapist as soon as advised me: “Man is the one animal that runs quicker when he’s misplaced.”
That hit me laborious.
Generally working more durable wasn’t smarter — it was simply me working quicker with out route.
Kim:
I like that quote.
So actually, slowing down and listening to our intestine helps us concentrate on what truly issues, not simply staying busy.
Kyle:
Precisely.
We are able to’t do one million issues directly — relationally or professionally.
Slowing down helps us tune into what is important for our coronary heart, our connection, and our personal safe self.
Kim:
So, what I’m listening to is:
- Now we have to decelerate to have a safe self.
- We have to hearken to our intestine.
- We should differentiate between ideas and beliefs (which we are able to push again in opposition to) and emotions (which we have to maintain).
- Now we have to honor our emotional reality.
Kyle:
And once we honor ourselves by trusting our intestine, we keep in alignment with who we’re and what’s greatest for our hearts — although it’s laborious.
Kim:
Precisely.
And never everybody’s going to love it if you begin placing your self on the map and saying, “I matter.”
Except somebody is safe themselves, they could even get offended if you say, “Hey, I would like time to consider this.”
Kyle:
Proper.
However that’s okay.
You must look within the mirror and say: “I’m value not betraying myself in the present day.”
Push again in opposition to the previous beliefs that say you don’t matter.
Battle again. Don’t settle.
Observe Kyle and Kim on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube.
Join the Safe Attachment Path Course to discover your attachment type, uncover relationship patterns, and be taught sensible instruments for constructing safe connections.
Till subsequent time — keep linked and love totally.
Steadily Requested Questions (FAQs)
1. What does it imply to “belief your intestine” in relationships?
Trusting your intestine means tuning into the bodily sensations and feelings in your physique as legitimate sources of knowledge, moderately than ignoring them in favor of exterior opinions or limiting beliefs.
2. How is the intestine bodily linked to emotional consciousness?
The vagus nerve runs from the mind to the intestine, making a mind-body connection. Emotions of hysteria, uncertainty, or safety usually manifest bodily within the abdomen space.
3. Why is it laborious for some folks to belief their intestine instincts?
Previous experiences, trauma, or upbringing can educate us to mistrust our instincts. For instance, if feelings weren’t held or validated in childhood, it might really feel unsafe to hearken to inside cues.
4. How can I inform the distinction between a thought, perception, and feeling?
- Ideas are interpretations (e.g., “You should not like me.”)
- Beliefs are deeply held convictions (e.g., “Nobody listens to me.”)
- Emotions are emotional states (e.g., “I really feel anxious,” “I really feel rejected.”)
Recognizing the distinction is vital to responding appropriately.
5. What ought to I do after I really feel uncertain a few resolution?
Decelerate. Give your self permission to sit down with the emotion with out speeding to a conclusion. You’ll be able to say, “Can I’ve a while to consider it and get again to you?”
6. Is it okay to vary my thoughts after saying ‘sure’ or ‘no’ to one thing?
Sure. A safe self permits house for reassessing emotions and revisiting conversations. Genuine relationships honor flexibility and emotional honesty.
7. How do I start working towards slowing down and connecting with my emotions?
Begin by pausing if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Ask your self:
- “Is that this a thought, perception, or feeling?”
- “What’s my physique telling me proper now?”
Apply holding feelings while not having to repair them instantly.
8. What occurs if somebody doesn’t like me slowing down or altering my thoughts?
Not everybody will reply positively, particularly if they aren’t safe themselves. However honoring your reality and emotional wants is a crucial a part of constructing a safe self.
9. How does trusting my intestine impression my relationships?
Listening to your intestine helps you present up extra authentically, set higher boundaries, and construct deeper, safer connections with others.
10. What are the important thing takeaways from this episode?
- Belief your intestine.
- Decelerate and really feel your feelings.
- Differentiate between ideas, beliefs, and emotions.
- Honor your emotional reality with out betraying your self.
11. The place can I be taught extra about these practices?
You’ll be able to comply with Kim and Kyle on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. You too can enroll of their Safe Attachment Path course, linked within the present notes, to discover your attachment type and be taught instruments for constructing safe, linked relationships.
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